Monday, August 29, 2016

Thursday, July 21, 2016

101 in 1001: Month 17 Update - Hiatus Over

I want to start off this post by apologizing. For any of you who were actually following my blog for awhile I'm sorry I just left. There was some soul-searching that needed to be done and just when I thought I was happy, reality hit me in the face - hard. Here's my update for Month 17 below. I'll try not to go 7 months without posting again...

  1. Figure out how to do makeup. Well people, I figured it out. I won't say I'm good at it and I definitely cannot it every day, but I've gotten down the basics and I'm pretty pleased with myself. #ADULT
  2. Wear 5 "nice" outfits in a row. Technically I started doing this in October when I got my corporate job, but I never crossed it off until now. (Again, #ADULT)
  3. Run 500 miles. I did another 5k back in February and I've run a few miles here and there, but I'll only give myself 10 miles since, you know, I haven't tracked them... (213/500)
  4. Don't skip a workout for a month. I haven't worked out in a month, but for April and May - I never missed a workout. #Proud #Fit #Healthy #CantStopWithTheHashtags
  5. Go somewhere else for NYE. I went to Charlotte. I can't believe I haven't updated this list in that long. :(
  6. Visit 3 new states I've never been to before. I'm going to Kansas City, Missouri in September of this year and I went to Washington, D.C. in April. I know D.C. isn't a state but I've never been there before! 
  7. Start a 401k. My job started this, but whatever. 
  8. See an NFL game. We're going to Kansas City to see the Chiefs play the New York Jets in September. This should be interesting..
  9. Connect with Jesse and Brian. This is an interesting topic. I'm in the process? Or I already have tried and failed? It's a story for a different day. I'll leave it as in progress for now..
  10. Visit 10 new restaurants in my area. Downtown Kitchen - Spring 2016 and Willy's - May 2016. COMPLETED. Also both of these restaurants are to DIE for. Also craving Willy's right now (Frito burrito am i right?). 

Friday, June 17, 2016

I think the hardest part of coming to realization that I am unhappy is knowing I can't just flip a switch. It's a process.

Writing helped. Yesterday's post helped. I laid it all out there and each time I'm alone I remember that I can write. I can meditate. I can breathe. I need to stop worrying about becoming happy again and become grateful. I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me. I have a boyfriend who is so wonderful that I cannot even return the same amount of love he has for me. I have a dog who is fucking crazy but she always makes me smile. I have a home to live in - even if it is currently my parents house. I have a bed. I can read, write, watch TV. I can drive my car down backroads to clear my head. I have a job - while it might make me unhappy - it brings in an income. It's a means to an end at the moment and I need to be thankful for that. I have a friend who is currently aware of the feelings going inside me and hasn't asked me to explain it. She's just..understood.

I told her yesterday that I was unhappy and she asked why. I told her I was uninspired and it was killing me. She replied stating she thought it was my job. I slightly agree. It's not inspiring me to do better. It's just...a job. It's not my career and I believe that is what really gets me. I hate wasting my time on people and things that don't inspire me to be a better person - but then why am I wasting my time on a job?

"Fear is something we create in our head". My cousin said this during a live video he posted on Facebook. It stuck with me. That's what I'm gonna focus on today. Not being afraid of change. Not being afraid.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Maybe I'm Depressed.

When I started writing this blog back in early 2015, I had a goal in mind. I wanted to find out who I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, etc. Most 20-somethings feel the same way and some usually figure it out, or settle to be less than what they are capable of. I'm currently still trying to figure it out. I'm 23 years old. I live with my parents. I don't have a degree. I can't get through the workday without losing my shit. I truly believe that most people that I encounter with do not like me. I have a confidence problem. I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be. I don't know how to get there. I'm reading books on what to do to become happier, and I'm trying to just breathe when I start to have a breakdown. I don't know what to do to become happier and more like myself. I truly believe it's because of my job and the lack of freedom that I have.

Last summer, I worked a minimum wage job at a YMCA Summer Camp and I've truly never loved a place more. I applied for that job because I previously worked too long as a server at a local breakfast restaurant. I made about $500+ every 2 weeks or so, but I was outside. I was with kids - middle schoolers, don't ever tell them I called them "kids" - and I loved my job. I loved my life. I was laughing more. I was surrounded by real people who cared about me and what I wanted to do. I was living. After summer ended, I was left without a job. I applied for a position in the sports department at the same YMCA. I applied to handle the soccer fields because the choices were soccer or volleyball and I know way more about soccer than volleyball. The Sport Director reached out and gave me an assistant like position and I was okay with it for awhile. I basically just sat at his desk and answered his phone and emails. There was no consistency, and no schedule, and then towards the end of September, he told me I would be helping with volleyball. I should've spoken up and said I wasn't interested, but how do you say that to someone who is helping you out? I ended up dreading going to work - which is never good. I was getting advice from my father, who is always trying to help, but he can be a little persuading sometimes. He passed my resume along to a Manager in a different department at the same company he works for and I ended up getting a temp job in that department. It happened rather quickly, so I only gave 4 days notice to the Y. The Sports Director there no longer has the same respect for me that he once had. I understand.

I was super excited for my new job. It was an adult job and if I ended up going from temp to perm, I would work for the best company on the planet! I would have crazy benefits, awesome vacation time (after the first year) and I could potentially work from home. It seemed glorious. I started in October. I was hired on permanently in April. I got permission to work from home in May. I really loved my job. I am pretty good at it, too. I was a little bored and my work BFF (shout out!) suggested that I reach out and ask to assist with another portfolio that was opening up. Key word: assist. I ended up taking over the whole portfolio until the new temp class is out of training. June 27th is their first day on the floor in our department. I began to become depressed and hate my job because the people in the additional market are rude, disrespectful and don't trust that I can do my job correctly. They can't even take the time to call me my actual name in an email! My name is right there! But I digress, that whole situation is for a different post on a different day.

Maybe I'm depressed because I'm being overworked and treated poorly by the sales team. Maybe I'm depressed because my family thinks I'm missing out on my "adventure" that I've craved my entire life and just now decided to voice that with me. Maybe I'm depressed because I sit in the same room I sleep in all day. Maybe I'm depressed because I'm unhappy. Maybe I'm depressed because I feel that I have no one else in my life beside my boyfriend and my family. Maybe I'm depressed because I know I want to have that adventure, but I've already settled down with a good job that can lead to a career. Maybe I'm depressed because I don't want this to be my career.

Maybe I'm just depressed.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

101 in 1001: Month 11 Update

The end of January means much more than the end of the first month of a new year. The end of January is when you realize whether or not you stuck with your resolutions - or if you even plan to. The winter weather arrives in the South. The stores start to turn pink and red and sell bathing suits despite the "freezing" temperatures outside (I put freezing in quotes for you Northerners that love to point out that it is not cold" and days stay dark and gloomy while everyone plans for their Spring Breaks and summer vacations. Everyone is dreaming of the sunshine and happiness.

Winter is depressing. 

I haven't completely gotten into the swing of things like I had hoped. I'm working out (my legs are killing me today because I skipped leg day for the first two weeks because I chose bed over legs) but not like I had hoped. I'm not saving money - but I haven't really spent that much either. I blame Starbucks for my addiction to their coffee. I have been trying to reconnect with friends that I care about, but I'm not trying *that* hard. Insert awkward smile emoji here. I'm making excuses for not completing my goals but I promise I'll try harder. Life just feels in limbo right now. Connor hasn't found anything out about Boise. I want to move out, but not if he stays. I shouldn't put my life on hold just because someone else is waiting for news, but I am and I won't apologize for it. 

If you've made it this far reading my personal pity party, thank you. I appreciate you. Now here's what I accomplished this month.

101 in 1001: Month 11 Update -

  • Figure out how to do makeup. I actually have no idea what I'm doing, but I put blush on for work two times this week. I also did not wear make up two time this week. But here we are in italics because I'm "in progress". 
  • I added 10 miles to my 500 miles progress. I know I'm so fit. 210/500. 
  • Get my GPA back up. Homegirl's GPA is looking mighty impressive. Well, at least more impressive. I'm okay with it. 
  • Go somewhere else for NYE. We went to Charlotte, NC to celebrate the New Years with an old friend who is currently adulting there now. Sidenote: let's add adulting to the dictionary so autocorrect doesn't keep correcting it to adulating. 
  • Connect with Derian. I reached out to my cousin and I told her I'd like to catch up if she's ever in ATL or the next time she goes down to FL. 

So only two things were actually accomplished - judge me. What did you accomplish this month?

coming up on operation twenties...: 
  • Toned Up Tuesday: Phase 1 Fit Nika Gym Guide
  • Fashion Favorites: January 2016. 
  • 101 in 1001: Month 2 Update

Sunday, January 10, 2016

My 12 Goals for 2016.

Have you ever felt lost? I’m sorry even I ROLLED my eyes at that question, OF COURSE. If you are in your twenties chances are that you’ve stayed up late on different nights trying to figure out and plan how your life should be going and how you get your life started. 

My best friend graduated from the Marines in early December. I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my entire life. She’s basically family to me - and my family. She also managed to some how get time off to be home for Christmas AND New Years. Christmas Eve she came over to my house and we were just discussing life and (honestly) discussing how everyone else our age was acting and how we felt out of place because we weren’t still into the “going out” scene anymore. I started discussing how well I was doing with getting my life on track and how I began to feel proud of myself, but then it just stopped. I told her how I stopped working out because of some unknown reason (no motivation?) , stopped reading as much, and stopped blogging. You know what she told me?

“Colleen you should get back into blogging, you were good at it. Your stuff is real and its from your heart and you put a lot of effort into it. It gave you something that you were proud of and honestly I really think it could take you somewhere."

Now there’s only a few people in my life who currently even know about my blog and even fewer who read it (boyfriend I’m calling you out right now). I’m okay with it really. I’m still a little embarrassed but my best friend is right. I need to get back to doing stuff for ME. I’m the only one who can change my situation. I’m the only one who can get myself to take steps to the goals that I have (side note: will still update you whenever I actually figure out what I want to do with my life) but I can’t keep sitting here expecting my situation to change if I don’t change it myself. With that said  and 2016 approaching, here are my 2016 New Years Resolutions:

  1. Run an average of 5 miles a week. (about 260 miles the whole year)
  2. Work out at least 3 times week. 
  3. ACTUALLY do something “travel” related every 6 weeks, even if it is exploring my own town. 
  4. Journal. 
  5. Blog.
  6. Take more photos. Learn how to really use camera.
  7. GoPro. 
  8. Chip away at the 101 in 1001 challenge.
  9. Read. (Novels, self-help, recipes JUST READ)
  10. Start a roth IRA. 
  11. Be on track to buy a house.
  12. Stop second-guessing on ever decision. 

Coming Up Next...:

Thursday, January 7, 2016

2015 Recap: A "Disappointing" Year

2015 Recap -

Now that it is 2016 I figured it was time to recap what the previous year brought me. The obvious: a new job, new friends, experiences. That’s not really want I wanted to know though. I want to know what 2015 did for me. Who did 2015 make me? Am I a better person? Do I have better friends? Have I experienced anything new that I can bring into 2016 that can continue to make me the person I want to be?

I wrote down a list of things I feel are most important to reflect on: Job, Health/Fitness, Friends, Love and Travel. I filled in each category with the answer I could remember and then followed up by looking at pictures in my phone to see what exactly happened in each month. I was surprised at how disappointed I was with 2015 when I was finished. The reason I felt that way was that I did not travel like I planned (Here Goes: Travel Challenge if anyone remembers?). When I finished the list I didn’t feel like I could brag about 2015 to my future children. I took a step back and remember that despite not fulfilling all the goals I had for last year, I still grew in some ways.

I had three different jobs throughout 2015. That’s something I’m proud of. I quit my serving and expo job at J. Christopher’s in April of 2015. I started working for the YMCA in my area as a summer camp counselor in May of 2015 until August of 2015 when I started working for the sports department at the YMCA. In October 2015, I was offered a job as a temp at the Coca-Cola Company which is where I currently work. Three jobs in a whole year after working the same job for three plus years? I’ll consider that a win.

My fitness and health journey didn’t exactly take me where I wanted to go in 2015, but that fault is purely mine. I was kicking ass throughout the early parts of the year and when summer hit I hardly hit the gym, but I was hiking at least 7 miles a day at camp. I was in better shape and way more pleased with how I looked during the summertime. After camp ended my motivation slowed until I got hired at Coca-Cola, which is when it came to a halt.

I’m one of those people that have been best friends with the same page since ages 12-14. It isn’t that I didn’t branch out and try to find new friends. I was just pleased with the friends I have. I still am. We’ve just …drifted. We have different lives, different schedules and different goals.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them, but I definitely feel forgotten and I’m 90% sure it’s because I have a serious boyfriend and getting drunk every weekend is something I’m seriously over. Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time, but my liver and my wallet can’t do it anymore. Kiana, Sara and Daniella were the most constant friends in my lives and Kiana is a Marine who was gone for three months and Daniella lives in Chicago. I spend the rest of my time with a bunch of guy friends who have basically been putting up with my sh*t since I was in high school. I think the different between them and my girlfriends is that they are older and have similar goals in life.

A few months ago I made a “travel challenge” for myself and it was to travel to someplace new every 6-8 weeks and clearly that did not happen. I did notice that throughout the year I still did things. I still explored, but not in the manner I wanted. I explored my area. I explored the lake near my hometown by kayak. I explored different tourist attractions downtown. I explored the lake on my parents’ sailboat. I was super bummed before truly realizing all the different activities I did and I will consider the “tourist in my own city” activities a win.

2015 Recap -

There’s been one thing that has been constant in my life for not only 2015 but for every year since March of 2012. Connor. The boy deals with so much more than anyone could ever explain, including myself and he might as well be a saint for the patience he has. There’s no one that I want more to succeed in life than him, and there is no one in the world more deserving of happiness. *Sappy paragraph over*

2015 Recap -

What it all comes down is this: 2015 was not the year I expected for myself but maybe my expectations are too high. I figured out to get my @$$ in shape, I quit the job I hated, I made some great memories with some great friends. You can't ask for much more without some disappointment waiting to happen. 

2015 Recap -

Thanks for this 2015, but here's to you 2016