Thursday, April 2, 2015

Social Thursday - What's This Funk I'm In?

A little over a week from today will be my 22nd birthday. I will be TWENTY-TWO and no, Taylor, I’m definitely not feeling it. Lately I’ve been in a sort of funk that I can’t shake. There’s a list of reasons that I could be feeling this way and they are as follows: 
  • Most of my friends are graduating college this May, I am not. 
  • A close friend of mine is up and moving to Chicago and I’m still at my parents house. 
    • 3 friends of mine already up and moved to Florida a few years ago. 
  • I’m having issues at work.
  • I actually still have no idea what I want to do in life.
  • I don’t have an endless supply of money, but I have an endless supply of things I want to do/complete
  • I feel alone most of the time, but I’m usually not.
  • I feel bad for having a boyfriend and not wanting to go out to bars with my friends.
  • I’m pretty positive my friends think I’m a bad friend.
  • I hide most of the stuff going on in my life from everyone except Connor and Kiana.
  • I want to make everyone happy all the time, but can’t.
  • I feel stuck.

Now I’ve gone back through and highlighted the items I feel like I can’t really control anymore than I have done already. I know I can’t make everyone happy, and that it isn't really my job but I will be there for people when they need me. I can’t control my issues at work anymore than I have done. I’m struggling getting the new management to actually see me as a good person and change how they view me as a person. Management says that they do understand and they do think I’m good but actions always speak louder than words, no matter where you are. My personality clashes with what they want and expect. I’ve been trying to make adjustments and compromise, but it isn’t enough. Maybe it is time for me to move onto another position elsewhere. 

Maybe I need to completely change my surroundings. Maybe I need to change my location, go somewhere new and explore and find myself there. Maybe I need a million dollars because I honestly can’t afford to do that. Maybe I need to stop saying I don’t have money and just do it. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I need to put the rest of the world on hold and just escape for a little while. That’s okay, right? I can’t afford that either, but does happiness really cost that much? 

beach new smyrna

I can’t control how my friends feel about me having a boyfriend. The kid is my best friend. He is there for me at any moment I need him and I hope I’m there for him just as much. We’ve been together for almost three years. We spend almost every night together and I tell him everything that goes through my mind, including my funk I’ve been in. It hurts him to see me like this, but he’s trying to help. He understands. 

"Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime no matter what the circumstances. "

That quote explains almost everything Connor is to me. He’s more than that quote. I pray that my friends find themselves a Connor someday. I pray that they find someone who makes them feel the way he makes me feel every single moment of every single day. It’s not that my friends aren’t good friends, they are. I just don’t like to feel bad because I love someone so much and I’m so happy. I don’t like to go out to the bars with them because it’s not fun for me. It’s not a girls night - even though they really want it to be. It’s them searching for someone to make them happy and that’s okay. They can do that, but I shouldn’t be feeling bad because I don’t want to. 

new years connor

Overall, I need to take some time for myself. I can’t find who I am or what I want to do if I’m constantly sitting in my room sad about things I can’t control. I need to make myself happy first, no matter what the price is. 

Coming Up On Operation Twenties...:


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