Friday, June 17, 2016

I think the hardest part of coming to realization that I am unhappy is knowing I can't just flip a switch. It's a process.

Writing helped. Yesterday's post helped. I laid it all out there and each time I'm alone I remember that I can write. I can meditate. I can breathe. I need to stop worrying about becoming happy again and become grateful. I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me. I have a boyfriend who is so wonderful that I cannot even return the same amount of love he has for me. I have a dog who is fucking crazy but she always makes me smile. I have a home to live in - even if it is currently my parents house. I have a bed. I can read, write, watch TV. I can drive my car down backroads to clear my head. I have a job - while it might make me unhappy - it brings in an income. It's a means to an end at the moment and I need to be thankful for that. I have a friend who is currently aware of the feelings going inside me and hasn't asked me to explain it. She's just..understood.

I told her yesterday that I was unhappy and she asked why. I told her I was uninspired and it was killing me. She replied stating she thought it was my job. I slightly agree. It's not inspiring me to do better. It's just...a job. It's not my career and I believe that is what really gets me. I hate wasting my time on people and things that don't inspire me to be a better person - but then why am I wasting my time on a job?

"Fear is something we create in our head". My cousin said this during a live video he posted on Facebook. It stuck with me. That's what I'm gonna focus on today. Not being afraid of change. Not being afraid.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Maybe I'm Depressed.

When I started writing this blog back in early 2015, I had a goal in mind. I wanted to find out who I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, etc. Most 20-somethings feel the same way and some usually figure it out, or settle to be less than what they are capable of. I'm currently still trying to figure it out. I'm 23 years old. I live with my parents. I don't have a degree. I can't get through the workday without losing my shit. I truly believe that most people that I encounter with do not like me. I have a confidence problem. I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be. I don't know how to get there. I'm reading books on what to do to become happier, and I'm trying to just breathe when I start to have a breakdown. I don't know what to do to become happier and more like myself. I truly believe it's because of my job and the lack of freedom that I have.

Last summer, I worked a minimum wage job at a YMCA Summer Camp and I've truly never loved a place more. I applied for that job because I previously worked too long as a server at a local breakfast restaurant. I made about $500+ every 2 weeks or so, but I was outside. I was with kids - middle schoolers, don't ever tell them I called them "kids" - and I loved my job. I loved my life. I was laughing more. I was surrounded by real people who cared about me and what I wanted to do. I was living. After summer ended, I was left without a job. I applied for a position in the sports department at the same YMCA. I applied to handle the soccer fields because the choices were soccer or volleyball and I know way more about soccer than volleyball. The Sport Director reached out and gave me an assistant like position and I was okay with it for awhile. I basically just sat at his desk and answered his phone and emails. There was no consistency, and no schedule, and then towards the end of September, he told me I would be helping with volleyball. I should've spoken up and said I wasn't interested, but how do you say that to someone who is helping you out? I ended up dreading going to work - which is never good. I was getting advice from my father, who is always trying to help, but he can be a little persuading sometimes. He passed my resume along to a Manager in a different department at the same company he works for and I ended up getting a temp job in that department. It happened rather quickly, so I only gave 4 days notice to the Y. The Sports Director there no longer has the same respect for me that he once had. I understand.

I was super excited for my new job. It was an adult job and if I ended up going from temp to perm, I would work for the best company on the planet! I would have crazy benefits, awesome vacation time (after the first year) and I could potentially work from home. It seemed glorious. I started in October. I was hired on permanently in April. I got permission to work from home in May. I really loved my job. I am pretty good at it, too. I was a little bored and my work BFF (shout out!) suggested that I reach out and ask to assist with another portfolio that was opening up. Key word: assist. I ended up taking over the whole portfolio until the new temp class is out of training. June 27th is their first day on the floor in our department. I began to become depressed and hate my job because the people in the additional market are rude, disrespectful and don't trust that I can do my job correctly. They can't even take the time to call me my actual name in an email! My name is right there! But I digress, that whole situation is for a different post on a different day.

Maybe I'm depressed because I'm being overworked and treated poorly by the sales team. Maybe I'm depressed because my family thinks I'm missing out on my "adventure" that I've craved my entire life and just now decided to voice that with me. Maybe I'm depressed because I sit in the same room I sleep in all day. Maybe I'm depressed because I'm unhappy. Maybe I'm depressed because I feel that I have no one else in my life beside my boyfriend and my family. Maybe I'm depressed because I know I want to have that adventure, but I've already settled down with a good job that can lead to a career. Maybe I'm depressed because I don't want this to be my career.

Maybe I'm just depressed.