Friday, June 17, 2016

I think the hardest part of coming to realization that I am unhappy is knowing I can't just flip a switch. It's a process.

Writing helped. Yesterday's post helped. I laid it all out there and each time I'm alone I remember that I can write. I can meditate. I can breathe. I need to stop worrying about becoming happy again and become grateful. I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me. I have a boyfriend who is so wonderful that I cannot even return the same amount of love he has for me. I have a dog who is fucking crazy but she always makes me smile. I have a home to live in - even if it is currently my parents house. I have a bed. I can read, write, watch TV. I can drive my car down backroads to clear my head. I have a job - while it might make me unhappy - it brings in an income. It's a means to an end at the moment and I need to be thankful for that. I have a friend who is currently aware of the feelings going inside me and hasn't asked me to explain it. She's just..understood.

I told her yesterday that I was unhappy and she asked why. I told her I was uninspired and it was killing me. She replied stating she thought it was my job. I slightly agree. It's not inspiring me to do better. It's just...a job. It's not my career and I believe that is what really gets me. I hate wasting my time on people and things that don't inspire me to be a better person - but then why am I wasting my time on a job?

"Fear is something we create in our head". My cousin said this during a live video he posted on Facebook. It stuck with me. That's what I'm gonna focus on today. Not being afraid of change. Not being afraid.


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